Thursday, May 14, 2009

Another Chapter In The "Almost Pissed Myself" Book

My Dad needed me to drive him to a funeral today because he wasn't able to drive. No problem. So I drive us out to Columbia Heights, Maryland, the whole time just shooting the shit. When we get there I see that the church we will be attending the funeral in is a 'full gospel baptist church.' Thanks for the heads up Dad.

The movies totally got it right. Picture what the movies portray a baptist church as, and that's where we were. We were maybe 2 of 5 white people in there. It's not that being the only white people in there was an issue, it was the Jesus stuff mainly. This was the kind of place where people just shout out what they're feeling while others are talking/praying/singing, with the generic "amen!," "praise jesus!," and my personal favorite "that's right!"

I can actually understand now why some people are really into it... it's fun, or at least appears like it would be fun if it wasn't a funeral. But as far as a funeral is concerned, it was the most upbeat funeral I've ever seen minus BIGGIE'S. I've gone on record saying how I think instruments in a synagogue is appalling, but in a Baptist Church, why not?!

About 35-40 minutes into the hour and a half festivities my bladder gets rocked like a fat kid in a game of dodgeball - I have to pee. Correction. I have to pee, now. But I'm in the middle of the row in a place I feel awkward being in the first place, so the last thing I want to do is disrupt anyone or the service itself.

This was the kind of pee that causes dry sweats and that stomach clench. I wanted to die pee. At one point I dropped the schedule of the service and I just left it on the floor because bending over to pick it up just seemed like a sure way to empty my bladder on the floor. It was so bad that after semi-mocking, (only in my head and with silent glances at my Dad), Jesus for over an hour I was praying to Jesus Christs to not let me piss myself right there in a crowded church.

Someone we were sitting with finally stood up to leave an hour and a half after we sat down and I just shot right up and followed her out and made my way to the bathroom. Crisis averted.

If you just read this whole thing. I owe you.


My roomate just started a blog. What's it about? No idea. What I do know: he uses the word "scrupulous" in one of his posts. Again, no idea what it means, but definitley a funny word.
But check it out, he's a smart dude.


I was having a conversation with my buddy Chuck about DJ's quitting on the air and he found this AMAZING gem...


Emma said...

You owe me.

jep said...

I went to a Baptist wake.
It left me with a really strange up lifted feeling.
Strange because, is that really how you're supposed to feel after leaving a wake? Uplifted?

I found myself tapping my foot during the singing but figured it was okay since the usher-ettes were basically swaying so hard they were a step below dancing.

Robbin Steif said...

Yeah, you owe me too