Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Revisiting My 2009 Resolutions...

Last year I made some "resolutions." The only real way to do it is if you look back and see how shitty you are at following through if you accomplished what you set out to do.

Let's see how I did....
  1. Listen to more Sly and the Family Stone (FAIL)
  2. Bone up on Steve Buscemi trivia (FAIL)
  3. Read less dark/depressing books (just read Survivor and Snuff by Chuck P.)(CHECK)
  4. Attempt to identify who the proverbial "they" are (CHECK - attempted and failed)
  5. Strengthen my loaded questions skills (BIG CHECK)
  6. Harmonica? (FAIL)
  7. Try to not spaz over Green Day's New Album (this spring!) (CHECK)
  8. Figure out what comes next (EPIC FAIL)
  9. Escape. (FAIL)
  10. Never do resolutions again... (CHECK)
5 outta 5 ain't bad...

Friday, December 25, 2009

Road Trip Stats

So I'm back in home alive! I had a really awesome time. Big ups and props to Evan for being foolish enough to join me in San Fran for the trip back and for not shanking me in my sleep!

Bottom Line: totally worth it, but kinda glad it's now done. Now for some stats...

Days on the trip: November 23rd - December 23rd

Miles Traveled: 8,136

Vehicle: '93 Honda Civic with a junk title

States In Order: 26 total
  1. Maryland
  2. Virginia
  3. North Carolina
  4. South Carolina
  5. Georgia
  6. Florida
  7. Alabama
  8. Mississippi
  9. Louisiana
  10. Texas
  11. New Mexico
  12. Arizona
  13. California
  14. Nevada
  15. Wyoming
  16. Colorado
  17. Kansas
  18. Missouri
  19. Illinois
  20. Indiana
  21. Ohio
  22. West Virginia
  23. Pennsylvania
  24. New Jersey
  25. New York
  26. New Jersey (again)
  27. Delaware
  28. Maryland (again)

Cities I Slept In:

Hardeeville, SC
Boca Raton, FL
Tamp, FL
Pensacola, FL
New Orleans, LA
Austin, TX
Scottsdale, AZ
Los Angeles, CA
San Francisco, CA
Elko, NV
Fort Collins, CO
St. Louis, MO
Pittsburgh, PA
New York, NY

$ Spent On Gas: $617.70
Gallons of gas bought: 223.83
Most Expensive Gas: $3.099 - Pecos, TX
Cheapest Gas: $2.359 - St. Louis, MO

MPG: 36 and change!

Number of pairs of jeans worn: 1

Cup of coffee: ~35
Cups of coffee from starbucks: 0

(if i think of anything i missed, i'll add it. if there's something else you'd like to know - please just ask)

Monday, December 21, 2009

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Los Angeles

I can't believe I drove literally across the country. Whose stupid idea was this?!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


The trip to San Diego is looking grim...

Friday, December 4, 2009

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Austin, TX

I've decided to stay in Austin until early Saturday morning where I will then venutre the 10ish hours to El Paso on the way to Phoenix. The bad weather should be gone by then.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

New Orleans on Booze

I was actually scared to watch this the next morning and see what I had said. It's much better than I imagined, which is another totally scary thought on it's own! Not my finest moment?

Don't Worry Dad, That's Not Me

Monday, November 30, 2009

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Friday, November 27, 2009


I totally did a video last night and then youtube erased it. The good news is, I had nothing to say and basically spent several minutes apologizing for wasting your time!

I left my Mom's in Boca today and traveled across what's refered to as "Alligator Alley" through a portion of the Everglades to the West side of the state and then headed north up to Tampa Bay. My stepdad's family is here so I'm spending the night. The plan is to spend all day tomorrow driving to New Orleans!

Hey Flordia - cool it with the anti-abortion billboards on the highway. We get it. Doesn't this state have other problems to deal with? And furthermore, should a woman who can be convinced to not abort her baby because of a billboard really have a baby? It wouldn't seem like a good idea. And isn't something like 80% of Florida residents are over the age of 60? (seems like a pretty solid stat to me) It's a little past them...

your welcome,

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Monday, November 23, 2009

Tech Difficulties

Oh well! Don't know if it's the mini-comp or just the Internet at the hotel...

I'm in the mind-set of "whatever," but clearly if I could get some vids up for you guys I will.

Another long day of driving tomorrow!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I'm Leaving On A Honda Civic

and I'm fairly certain I'll know when I'll be back again.

My computer officially crapped out last night. Thankfully it was after I finished season 1 of Lost! So I did what any self respecting soon-to-be-roadtripper would do and bought a netbook!

Microcenter can go suck it - I've never had a good customer service experience there, but in the end they (kinda) came through.

It's so tiny! But the good news is I can keep in touch and not feel like I've been exiled into the desert!

So pony up bitches, hopefully I'll have a video for you tomorrow from somewhere in southern South Carolina!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Polygamy or Creepy Tropical Island?

Wise philosophers have pondered this question for many years. But now I, Brian Graber, will attempt to stick my foot up their ass!

I have been watching the first seasons of Lost and Big Love simultaneously. I am really enjoying both programs since "Dramas," haven't really been my thing, traditionally. Today as I was finishing the last episode of BL I thought, "which scenario would I rather find myself in?" Yes, I know that's a great question!

If you haven't seen the shows, I'm sorry there is nothing I can do to help you. But for the sake of this awesome hypothetical - I will assume that I would be in the position of the main characters. In the case of BL - Bill Hendrickson, husband of 3, father of many, owner of several Home Depot type stores. In the case of Lost - Dr. Jack Shephard, the only doctor on the island that I know of, and the defacto leader of sorts. (please don't spoil anything for me if you choose to comment)

First Impression: Easy, I'd have to go with being married to 3 women, not being stranded on a weird island with creatures that knock down trees, attack humans and have to live with increasingly hostile inhabitants! Hendrickson is sleeping with 3 women who are all cool with it! I've always said that I support polygamy (but not in the - kick young boys out on the street and marry of 16 year olds) and lucky for me - the Hendrickson's are not those kind.
Advantage: BL

Second Impression: I grew up living in two homes (I originate from a broken home) and I could never find anything I needed. Hendrickson lives in three homes! Consider me boned. On the island - those people barley have anything, talk about not having a problem finding your shit (post-find your stuff from the plane crash). Also, one must consider location: a Salt Lake City suburb or a tropical island most likely located in the Pacific?
Advantage: Lost

Third Impression: Hendrickson is wicked stressed. Besides the three wives, he operates two stores with his name on it and is fighting off the fake prophet and leader of the polygamist compound who is growing increasingly more violent. On the other hand, Dr. Jack is wicked stressed too. He's figuring out how 40ish people are going to survive on a deserted, mysterious island. People are hurt, he has to help them; someone stole something, he has to go get it back; basically he's being pulled in a million different ways, yet everyone looks to him for advice.
Advantage: Tie (I don't need that kind of stress in my life)

Fourth Impression: One of the survivors of the plane crash is named Kate Austen who is played by Evangeline Lilly. I'm not through the first season yet, but if I had to guess Dr. Jack is going to sleep with her - and she's super hot. Hotter than Bill's three lovely wives combined.
Advantage: Lost (super hot!)

Final Impression: I enjoy camping, I enjoy the wilderness, but let's not be silly - I wouldn't do well on the island. I enjoy working with people but when push comes to shove, I'm throwing fists. I don't live or need a lavish lifestyle but the basics have always come in handy. The thought of having to go to war with the bad kind of polygamists is much more enjoyable than living on an island cut off from the world.
Advantage: BL

Final Verdict: Both of these very realistic scenarios are quite intriguing and clearly have their ups and downs. But in the end, fuck it! I want to be Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Weezer - Raditude

(As seen on

So you've given up on Weezer. That's okay - we all can agree that The Red Album blows worse than Courtney Love in need of drugs. But there is good news if you're willing to hear it. Weezer's seventh studio album, Ratitude, feels like a return to the Weezer you want to like.

It's a werid thing to type, but this album sounds like a collection of Weezer songs. (Kind of like using the word you are trying to define in the definition) But that's a good thing! "My Name is Jonas," "Buddy Holly," "Pork and Beans," "Say It Ain't So," "Dope Nose" all have that Weezer vibe to it which was wholly lacking on the last album.

The weird-ish thing is that Rivers Cuomo is damn near 40 and he's still pumping out jams about summer camp love, losing girlfriends, partying (we'll get to that in a minute) and finding out who got hot after all these years. Just playing to the crowd maybe?

If you have a radio clearly you've been inundated with "If You Want Me To," which is fantastically catchy. Songs like "I'm Your Daddy," "The Girl Got Hot," and "Put Me Back Together" all have that same "Weezer quality (n.)" you want to hear from them.

Track 4 is a song that Rivers and Jermaine Dupree wrote together. It's essentially a hip-hop song about partying... I guess Rivers wanted to do something unexpected and different so he brought in the soon-to-be incarcerated Lil' Wayne to spice it up. It's cool though, I can actually cross something off of my "Top 10 Things I'll Never Hear on a Weezer Album" list:
#3 - Lil' Wayne rapping: "Okay bitches it's Weezer and it's Weezy, upside-down MTV, please don't shoot me down because I am endangered species."

In summation - many old Weezer fans probably stopped listening or caring about this band but if there was any chance you'd find a way to bop your head to new Weezer material - this is it, because god knows when Rivers Cuomo finally releases those 3,000 never before heard songs he hides in his basement, you'll want to remember them for something better.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Insurance Denied my Claim for Reimbursement of my Crushed Dreams

...said it was a "pre-existing condition." Well I never wanted to be an Astronaut anyways!

The dream and delusion is back on mf-ers. On Monday (a week from tomorrow) I will hit the sometimes great American highway known as I-95 and travel south to Florida (with my Mom). Hooray! She's really just bumming the ride and we'll all have Thanksgiving down there.

From there - I head West across the South! Then it's up the California coast to the Redlands! Then it's, how the hell do I get home?! (via ft. collins? and maybe chicago?)

So pep-up because hopefully soon your workday will suck 3ish minutes less than it normally does. Pending a computer overhaul and fix, I'll have an unreliable computer at best, that I can upload the video podcasts to. One week...

And for the last time - do you know anyone in San Diego?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Bored To Death

The first season of Bored To Death just rapped on HBO.

At first I was very hesitant about this series because it stars Jason Schwartzman. He plays a writer who tries his hand at being a private investigator via craigslist. He annoys the crap out of me. After seeing the series I can say that I believe he's typecast and still annoys the crap out of me. However, this annoyance is incredibly more tolerable in this role than other so far.

The two supporting roles make this show! Zack Galifianakis plays the struggling artist best friend and Ted Danson plays the big suit Alec Baldwin, 30Rock-ish boss. They are super fantastic. I always like Ted Danson - Becker is/was a great TV show no matter what you think.

This show had a solid plot line with a disappointing cameo by mac nerd favorite John Hodgman. If nothing else, white wine and weed will always make for a humorous running joke. I'd reccomend this show to you.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Meth Linked to Andre Agassi's Hair Loss

According to Andre Aggasi's new autobiography, he smoked some crystal meth back in 1997. Oooooo - well whoopide-freakin'-do!

What outrages me about this is that other tennis players are outraged themselves. It's not a performance enhancing drug by any stretch of the imagination. I bet it's hard as shit to play tennis not even high on crystal meth but even the day after smoking crystal meth! If he was able to be one the best tennis players of all time, en beteven though he slumped during his meth using days, then bravo to him. That makes him even better than we originally thought!

Rafael Nadal said something to the extent of "This is terrible, why is he saying this now that he's retired?" TO SELL BOOKS YOU MORON! One day when Nadal is retired his autobiography will probably contain stories of cross-dressing prostitution, but at least he'll know then, that he's really just saying it because his days of high paying sponsorships are over. Pimps gotta get paid, 'ya know?!

It's not like he was hiding in the corner of the court rocking back and forth tweaking out, making people nervous that he would pop up and shank them in the throat or anything like that!

Remember when Ricky Williams was kicked out of the NFL for smoking weed? Ridiculous. If he could smoke and run the crap out of the football, they should have said, "that's completley amazing - you a truly gifted athlete, please come to my team for millions and millions of dollars and we'll convince you to quit so you can be even greater."

Yes, athletes doing drugs is looked down upon because they are supposed to be role-models for the kids. When can we say as a nation that that idea is absurd?

Tim Lincecum of the San Fransico Giants was just arrested for marijuana possesion and the kid (he's like 23) had a pitching record of 15-7 this year. That's good! He's a great pitcher and could be a hall 'o famer some day. Now he's gotta deal with this.

In closing - to say that athletes shouldn't use performance enanching drugs like HGH but shouldn't be given crap for recrational drug use is in fact, not hypocritical. Oh, and tennis is boring.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

When The Teabaggers Come Back...

we all win. As a pedicabber, I'll invite 10,000 people down to the national mall any day of the week! The Teabaggers (hehe) were back again today because FOX News told them to do so. And just like last time, they tip well. Ultimately, they don't want my family to exist and think I'm going to hell, but I WILL take their money. suckers.

The lack of knowledge these people possess about how government really works could be the most horrifying thing about it to. Or maybe it's a pure blinding hatred thing involving the President. But I had a teabagger ask me today on the cab, "Do you need a liscense to do this?" I said, "No, pedicabs aren't regulated in this city yet." Immediatley he responded, "Well wait until Obama gets his hands on it."

UGH. It's not nice to tell people who you are relying on a tip for that they are in fact, a moron. I said, "Actually, Washington D.C. is it's own city with it's own government. We have our own taxicab commision that is trying to deal with it. Obama has bigger issues to deal with than liscening 40 pedicabs."


The other thing I'll mention that irritated me, besides everything was after the rally was over, they were encouraging people to head up to Nancy Pelosi's office for a sit-in. I almost feel like these people aren't worthy enough to take part in such a historically strong protest method. The sit-in is most notable for its role in the civl rights movement. These teabaggers (not to generalize) are racists.

So please come back soon so the pedicab business can boom. And please continue buying crap (illegally) like "don't tread on me" flags from dudes on the street who have no liscense to sell and are most definitley illegal immigrants.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Mini Road Trip - South Carolina(ish)

My consolation prize for smashing my car and messing up my buddy's vacation plans was a nice little rental Hyndai Accent that the insurance company covered most of, for 7 days. So he and I went down to his Dad's house on Dawtaw Island in South Carolina (just outside Beaufort). It's essentially a retirement(ish) country club community. It takes about 9 - 10 hours depending on how strong your need to stop at South Of The Border is...

The car ride there and back wasn't bad at all as it was filled with Animaniacs sing-a-longs, revisitng albums of our youth, rap battles and some smelly farts. But in total I put over 1,600 miles on that little car. I'd recommend checking it out if you need to buy a little cheap car.

One day we golfed, one day we went to Charleston and the following day to Savannah, Georgia. All in all it was a good time. Pictures are on facebook for your conmsumption.

The one thing I do need to point out is the BBQ we had. Amazing stuff. A la Veggie Booty:

Don't worry I put hot sauce on it. And I did this to it:

I guess thats not really healthy living, huh? If I lived in Beaufort, SC I would weigh approximatley 400 lbs. I'd also be a redneck hillbilly who knows nothing of the world and hates that Tiger Woods guy in the oval office... but fortunatley I'm not.

Also, the road trip is being re-thought / re-tooled - not all hope is dead yet. Stay tuned...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Pedicab Confessionals 2.1

Let me tell you a story about a nice young beared Jewish fellow who got royally screwed.

The day was something like Tuesday, November 3, 2009. It was a slow day pedicabbing on the Nation's Mall, but the young pedicabber who for the sake of anonymity, we'll call, Brian Graber, had a fantastic book to read.

Ok I can't write like this much longer without poking my eyeballs out.

I talked to a young prego and Air Force hubby before they went into the Air and Space Museum. They said after it closed at 5:30, they'd want to see the Capitol, White House and Lincoln Memorial. I said we usually get $60 an hour. She said they didn't really have that kind of money, I said whatever, we'll work something out.

The time comes and off we go to see this crap. We do the Capitol and head down Pennsylania Ave. We stop at the ATM so they can eventually pay me and then CVS so they can get a disposable camera. They come out of CVS saying he left his ATM card in the ATM. Moron. We go back. After its been taken (it's still DC, fools) we head to the White House and down to the Lincoln. I'm waiting forever for them at the Lincoln and they finally come back to me at 6:50, almost an hour and a half after picking them up. (Keeping in mind that they're going to give me less than $60)

They said they wanted to check out the Vietnam Memorial and I said, "I gotta go. I've been out with you guys for a while and I gotta be back around 7."
'Oh I'm sorry we didn't know," she said. "We were taking out time, if I knew you had to go we would have hurried."


I get them back to the metro just after 7pm and they give me, wait for it... $29.
Now this isn't the end of the world by any stretch of the imagination, but definitley shitty.

To make matter worse, when we were on Penn. Ave, she said her feet were cold because she was wearing sandals like a moron. I told her I had a clean pair of sock in my bag if she wanted to borrow them - she accepted. Well in my rage/annoyance for only getting $29 bucks I let her walk with my nice fucking socks. Again, not the end of the world by any stretch of the imagingation but the botton line is: fuck those guys.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

When Is It Okay?

One of my new most favorite blogs belongs to my friend Laura. It's called District Ramblings. She actually writes about interesting things worth reading most of the time in comparison to me, who never writes anything worth reading.

Long story short, she elicits some very strong reactions from her readers (friends) and usually can provide me with a day full of entertainment and arguing with strangers (not MY friends).

Today the topic was essentially, would you give up meat to be with Natalie Portman? The answer: In a heartbeat. But someone who was responding and didn't actually answer the question used the term "manjuice" [sic]. That alone made my day.

When is it okay to use the phrase "man juice?" Just amongst close personal friends? In an open forum where you can hide your identity? In Presidential speeches? Israli Bond pitches? Golf courses? Or just general every day conversation?

Do you have any other favorite phrases that are commonly overlooked in society?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Gaslight Anthem/Murder By Death/Loved Ones - 9:30 Club - Washington D.C.

Anything I could write would not be as succinct or accurate as what Andy wrote.
Same show, but in D.C with my buddy Ross. Good times all around!

A few things I want to mention in bullet format:
  • I feel like I've seen this show a million times and I'm always uber-excited to see it again.
  • Holy crap Dave Hause has hair?! And a lot of it too. We thought he was balding so he just made an effort to shave what little he had all the time. We were wrong - dude's hair is wild.
  • Every time I see The Loved Ones live, I love them even more and Andy is right when he says it's probably the best set I've ever seen them play.
  • I forget on which song by former Loved Ones bassist, Mike "Spider" Cotterman came out and played on maybe Arsenic or Player Hater Anthem. Shit was solid.
  • This was the first time I've seen Murder By Death live and their singer's voice does not match his look at all. Very interesting, just bizarre.
  • They turned the sound way up for Gaslight which kinda distorted it which was upsetting. But either way they're playing to bigger crowds who know their music and it almost feels like maybe when you've realized that you're baby has grown up. Andy has it right when he says that they need to play more from Sink and Swim.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Crushed Dreams

The road trip has been officially postponed indefinitely. The good news is that I will not be left without a car. It's being fixed at the moment and I should have it back in the next 2 weeks.

Q: So why not leave as soon as it's done? (I know that's what you're asking)
A: The trip I wanted to do was planned to take about 4-5 weeks and end up in Boca Raton, FL for Thanksgiving. If I were to leave when the car is finished, there is no way that could happen.

I also managed to screw one of my best friends over because he was planning on coming from Chicago to San Fran with me. So now he has to rearrange his life.

However, this will happen at some point. I promise myself.

In short: awesome week.
See you all soon - especially since I am not going anywhere.

Monday, October 19, 2009


Real quick, I just want to say that on a freezing cold night one spring I was sharing a tent on the campus of Rutgers with my buddy Andy. We were cold and had some warm pbr's and tried to watch the Incredibles. On that night we coined the acronym FML. This was before some douche allowed thousands of people to post fake accounts of their supposedly crappy adventures. F that guy. We demand our royalty checks.

In real FML news (for those who don't know):

Yeah, that just happened Saturday night. I was supposed to leave this coming Friday for a trip across the country in this car. I'm not sure whats going to happen yet. I really needed this trip in a big way so I'm going to do what I can.

The lesson to be learned here is: If you feel bad and are wearing sweatpants under no circumstances should you put real pants on to go socialize...

Friday, October 16, 2009

Test Run

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Blog Action Day 2OO9, Son!

Let's rap about climate change for a hot minute in honor of Blog Action Day. Through the power of moving pictures and annoying hippies, we've become aware that yes, it is a fact that the Earth is going through some changes. One may claim that these changes are "normal" and that everyone goes through it. But Earth isn't going through puberty, it's going through... it's having a stroke?!

Either way my buddies and potential future career move, The Polar Bears, who are left-handed and can't help it, are literally drowning. Just like Uncle Graber, Polar Bears aren't able to swim the increasingly long distances between sheets of ice. According to the National Wildlife Federation, last year the Department of the Interior listed the Polar Bear as threatened, under the Endangered Species Act.

Some claim that 2/3 of the Polar Bear population could be gone by 2050. This upsets me. 2050 is only 40 years away. In 2050 I'll turn 65 years old. That's old. You can help by signing a petition here.

In closing, don't be a schmuck and let these Polar Bears die. Arguably, they want to kill you too, but c'mon! If they die, who will bring you delicious Coca-Cola during Christmas time? Do you want to be the one responsible for upsetting Jesus?!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Horrible Awful Time Sucks

I'm just going to come right out with it and admit that I started playing Farmville on Facebook. Please don't boo too loudly, you may wake the neighbors. However, as incredibly entertaining as it's been, I can't help but think about similar games that have eaten months if not multiple years (10s) of my life.

So I've decided to list the greatest time sucks of my life in the form of video games.
  • SimCity 2000 - The Godfather of all time wasted on a computer during my formative years. This game was badass and I'd probably be all over it still if I could.

  • Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - I mean, you could fly planes! How hard is it to put the controller down when you're dog fighting with the Air Force?!?!

  • Super Mario Bros 3 - Never beat it... could be the biggest missed opportunity of my life.

  • Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 - I know for a fact that I spent a lot of time playing this game, yet my memory won't allow me to look back fondly on that time for some reason...

  • - Mini-Golf, Home Run Derby, Billiards, Field Goals... need i say more?

  • NBA Live 2000 - The times were simpler, it was the first game I ever really played on the PS2 and I would rush home from school to play for hours until I heard my dad opening the garage and then I would book it to my room to pretend that I was doing homework. (hint: I just pulled out the old school game boy...)

  • Bonus Time Waster: Spear Toss - Hell Yeah! You remember that shit?! (p.s. you're welcome.)
The best part about this is that even the ladies will eventually find some awful crappy game on the internet to waste their time with (pre-facebook).

So what games did/do you waste your time with the most? And I will not accept "porn" as a legitimate response...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Pedicab Confessionals 3.0

I'll reserve the number 3 for "nicer" stories. Please know that I prefer 1 + 2.

I took a Russian dude and his young daughter for a tour around the momuments last week just as the museums were closing. After we left the Jefferson Memorial on the Tidal Basin he starts to tell me how much he enjoyed it.

Apparently, when he was 20, he was living in the communist Soviet Union. He said that he had a book in Russian about Thomas Jefferson, his life and Monticello. He was arrested for possessing the book when the police searched his home, because it expressed American ideals and such and such.

This was his first time in D.C. and finally got to see the memorial. He was then immediatley stopped by park police, searched and arrested for being suspicious. USA, USA, USA! Let freedom ring...

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Tea Day Protests

On September 12th of this year, Washington D.C. was invaded by about 500,000 misinformed people who call themselves teabaggers. The name is genius because who doesn't love teabaggers? I think we all remember Rachel Maddow's take on the whole thing...

Regardless of political views, any group of 500,000 people is going to be great for pedicabbing. When there's that many people, the prices go up as demand goes up. Surprisingly, they tipped well too!

I took pictures...

Friday, September 25, 2009

Corona Commerical Spoof

Just ran across this. I've always been a fan of the commercials and I think this is great!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Fall 2009 U.S. Tour

The Chinese believe that 2009 is the year of the Ox. Well I'm here to tell you that 2009 is the year of Brian Graber.

I'm taking the good vibes out on the road to see these United States!

The plan as it stands (and I'm really just starting to plan) is to leave October 23rd. I have tickets to see The Gaslight Anthem and the Loved Ones on the 22nd and I'm not missing it. I'm taking my '93 Civic and I'm going to drive all over. (see diagram below for crappy rendition of where I want to go)

Please note I am starting from DC and heading North(West) first. The only date I have in mind is Thanksgiving and I'm hoping to be in Boca Raton, Florida at my Mom's house.

A Comprehensive List of Places I Refuse To Go:
  • Detroit
So what am I looking for from you? Places to stay, suggestions about what to see, where to see it and so on and so forth. I believe I am getting a pass for National Parks and plan on camping a bunch!

So basically, this is going to be awesome!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Random List #1

Top 3 Bands I've Never Seen Live That I Want To See... Live. (in very particular order)

#1. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
#2. Foo Fighters
#3. Metallica

Clearly I accomplished a lot today.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Pedicab Confessionals 1.1

Best pick up line I've heard since I've started pedicabbing.

Two drunk guys outside the Wonderland Ballroom to a pack of women getting into a cab:
"Come party with us! We got 40 chicken McNuggets and two huge dicks!"

I bet they get tons of play.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Inglorious Bastards

I had a great time watching this movie! Kind of like the movie Munich, (and the whole conversation about that movie in Knocked Up) the Jews take the traditional role of being the oppressed and turn it upside and whoop some ass.

I hate revisionism just as much as the next guy, but if this was the way it went down, that'd be pretty freaking sweet! Tarantino made just an awesome film. Some parts were too gory for me, but I can see how they fit.

In summation - if you hate Nazi's, you'll love this film. But really it's better than just Nazi's being killed, I loved how the two stories come together. Classic film and great casting AAAANND, Brad Pitt wasn't really the main character which I kinda dug. See this film!

Pedicab Confessionals 2.0

It's been a beautiful couple days here in the nations capitol! So while business may be slowing down, the truth is I get to spend all day outside and get a decent workout. I'd really like to be laying in the shade on the grass spooning, but we can't all get what we want.

So being a beautiful day, two schmucks from Missouri had to sort of ruin it. Two guys got on my cab and to say there were large is an understatement. They said they weighed 400 pounds, when it's more likely they weighed close to 600 pounds together. But that's really their problem isn't it?!

Anyways... as soon as they got on my bike (we were headed to the White House) one of them starts talking about how he wants to take a dump on the porch of the White House., or at least moon the President. Clearly, none of those are real options and for even mentioning it, I now have the excuse to ignore everything else that comes out of his mouth! I do tell him that he needs to be careful because the secret service has the right to detain him for as long as they'd like without reason.

He then starts asking me if I'm happy about the way the country is being run and how the healthcare bill is going. I say I'm content. He asks if I feel good about my future. (I think it should be stated here there is no way this guy could have been over 30 and chances are he was younger than me). My Future?! I said, "Dude, I'm riding a pedicab, my future looks amazing!" His future looks short if he doesn't do something about his big fat belly and high cholesterol.

Then the racist shit starts coming out of his mouth about having a black President and something about how all of the black people in Missouri are stupid and he realizes that all of the smart ones are in DC. I totally didn't even respond to that.

(I am whore. With all my being I want to take the bike down a hill and jump off leaving fatty and fatty mcbutter pants to fend for themselves but like I said, I'm a whore. I knew it would be a slow day and I could use the fare)

After dropping them at the White House they walk down the path and on their way back to me one of them actually stops a secret service bike cop. When they get back to the cab I find out he started asking the cop about all the barriers and talking about his political views and after he mentioned the word "president," they took his ID and took down all his information. He's probably on a watch list now...

My day would have been much sweeter if they just arrested him and had to use four pairs of handcuffs all linked together. I'd have taken pictures of that!

Monday, August 31, 2009

Virgin Mobile FreeFest - Meriweather Post Pavilion - Columbia, MD - 8/30/09

As Seen On

This year because of the economy "The Virgin Mobile Festival" transformed itself into the "Virgin Mobile FreeFest" and yes, it was free for those who could snag tickets before the event "freed out." Two days became one day and the venue was moved from the previous two years at the Pimlico Race Track in Baltimore to the Meriweather Post Pavilion in Columbia, MD. (Not too far away).

The lineup was rather eclectic from the headliners Weezer and Blink-182 to Public Enemy and Gregg Gillis (Girl Talk). In between everyone from Taking Back Sunday, The Bravery, The Hold Steady, F*cked Up, Jet, Franz Ferdinand and even Mates of State.

The Hold Steady's set seemed to last an eternity on the West Stage (not the main stage in the acutal pavilion) and of course, no one complained. I don't think many people could ever get tired of Craigg Finn on stage. When I see the Hold Steady play, and I think, and there are many others with me on this one, I feel like I just want to get hammered with the guy...

Public Enemy was amazing too. I don't believe that when P.E. was in there glory days in the mid 1980's they ever dreamed they be playing for so many white people in one place. (It's true, whitey was out in force.) Nevertheless, unlike my favorite Flavor Flav quote of the day, " a fucking ninja!" they weren't stealthy or quiet - everyone knew what was going on and most people were entertained as shit. They also did a sort of this weird roll call of famous dead black musicians. A history lesson if nothing else...

While waiting on the grass for Weezer to play on the actual pavilion stage, out of nowhere we saw the Blink-182 guys and crew with Sir Richard Branson walking ontop of the pavilion roof. Then, as a helicopter circled high above, all of the massive video screens picked up the video feed from the helicopter and two people jumped out of said helicopter and landed ontop of the pavilion. Sir Richard Branson greeted them, walked to the edge of the roof, opened a bottle of champagne and sprayed the crowd with it. He picked up the mic and said, "thanks for coming." It may have been a few more words than that, but if so, not much more, that was the whole gist.

While this has no bearing on the music or the event itself, I'd just like everyone to know that I caught a t-shirt fired from the t-shirt cannon from the roof of the pavilion. My life rules, you suck.

Weezer opened their set with Black Sabbath's "War Pigs," played an amazing set that seemed way too short with all the key Weezer tracks and closed with The Clash's "Should I Stay Or Should I Go." They went.

Blink-182 closed the night and my friends and I all felt weird about it. A major block of their set was comprised of tunes off their self-titled album which almost everyone doesn't like. (Fact) In addition Blink only played 3 songs that outdated "Enema Of The State," those being, "Carousel," "Dammit," and "Josie." Tom Delonge is by far the weak link of the trio. Not only did he sound horrible when he sang the proper words, but he forgot some and decided to yell at certain people in the crowd during his parts. I don't give that criticism because of the hatred I feel towards him, but because he literally ruined certain parts of the show for the band. Mark and Travis, please remember that he is replaceable.

But here's the major takeaway of the day: Both Flavor Flav and Tom Delonge suffer from some form of Tourette's Syndrome. Well that and serving beer out of mini-pitchers is a great idea!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Pedicab Confessionals 1.0

Today I offer up a tale from the Pedicab: an awful, drunk and true story from the pedicab. (I apologize in advance to the several adults who read this.)

Last night on the way back to the shop from the Nationals Ballpark, a fellow pedicabber and I are riding past the Verizon Center. Apparently there had been a Keith Urban/Sugarland concert. Whoopty-Doo! Anyway, I get flagged down and this woman wants to go to 12th and K. I say, ok because it's sort of on the way and I'm not in a huge hurry to get back to the shop.

This woman was clearly drunk. She's telling me how happy she and her friends were that pedicabs are in town now and all that stuff. We're talking about riding up hills and she says she ran the Marine Corps Marathon and Capitol Hill is no joke. I say, yeah, I'm strong as hell but Constitution and Independece Avenues (the streets that run alongside the Capitol) are the only hills in the city I basically refuse to go up.

Her immediate response to that was, "do you also have a big dick." I said, "excuse me?" and she says, "I said, do you have a big dick?" I responded, "I do ok for myself."

At this point I focus back on the ATM she is looking for so she can give me some money. Here comes the best part...

At the corner of 12th and K there is a Wachovia bank. I pull over in a little driveway and as I turn around to look at this woman and maybe to even help her of the cab, she comes flying past me and eats it hard off the cab. Oh dear sweet baby jesus. I get off the bike and help her up, and thankfully she aint hurt. She then proceeds to spend an remarkable amount of time at the ATM. My bet is she had to try several cards before she got her bank card... She gives me 20 bucks and I am on my way far away from that place.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Selling Out?

My friend Nick who went to go work Fox News Radio and is not a liberal, once said when explaining his decision, "I'm not selling out, I'm buying in." I don't even know if this is related, but I somehow added a google adsense thingymajig on the right hand side of the blog here.

Feel free to click on it every now and then and make me a rich bastard.
(Please note: I will not share said riches.)

Monday, August 10, 2009

iPhone App...

If someone knows someone who knows how to make applications for the iPhone or iPod Touch, please tell them to contact me.

You know those awesome apps that they show in the commercials for the iPhone??? Well you never really know what they're called. We need an app, to tell us what those apps are!

It's genius. Stop shaking your head. You're just jealous you didn't think of it. No stealing.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Shark Week (local) Fail

We are currently in the middle of the summer holiday known as "Shark Week." You know, the one where you sit in front of the TV and watch sharks tear it up while you think about Tracy Jordan...

Anywho, you may not know that Discovery, the home to Shark Week, is based here in Silver Spring, Maryland. In years past it was not uncommon to see a massive shark hanging off the building. It's kind of like those nativity scenes that people put in their yards during the xmas season but approximately 3,000 more times epic.

Tonight I passed the building and shark. (insert unhappy face here - I don't use emoticons...)

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Paul McCartney - FedEx Field - 8/1/09

I never thought I'd see Paul McCartney in concert or anywhere for that matter. But when tickets magically appeared in my hands at the low low price of free, I was on my way! He puts on one hell of a show for someone who is 67-years-old. He was all fired up from start to finish and I was yawning by the end. Go figure. During the show he worked in some stories about the Beatles which everyone ate up.

Clearly the music was great with his amazing backing band featuring a large Samoan gentlemen on the drums. He was also the only non-white dude in the place who wasn't working. That's a weird feeling for me: to see so many white people in one place makes me uncomfortable... it's kind of like the University of Delaware.

I'm real happy I went and not just because I like the Beatles but because of the shear amount of music history that rests on his shoulders. An icon, legend and international superstar are just 3 of the many ways to describe him. Good times were had by all!

Set list stolen from the Baltimore Sun:

1. Drive My Car
2. Jet
3. Only Mama Knows
4. Flaming Pie
5. Got to Get You Into My Life
6. Let Me Roll It
7. Foxy Lady (instrumental jam)
8. Highway
9. The Long and Winding Road
10. My Love
11. Blackbird
12. Here Today
13. Dance Tonight
14. Calico Skies
15. Michelle
16. Mrs. Vandebilt
17. Eleanor Rigby
18. Sing the Changes
19. Band On the Run
20. Back in the U.S.S.R.
21. I'm Down
22. Something
23. I've Got a Feeling
24. Paperback Writer
25. A Day in the Life
26. Let It Be
27. Live And Let Die
28. Hey Jude


Day Tripper
Lady Madonna
I Saw Her Standing There
Helter Skelter
Get Back
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (reprise)
The End

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Don't You Hate Pants?!

Gabe forwarded this to me because he knows of my disdain for pants, or as Mexicans call them, "pantalones."

""This is not a case about me wearing pants."

-- Lubna Hussein,

a Sudanese female journalist facing 40 lashes for wearing trousers in public in violation of the country's strict Islamic laws, who told a packed Khartoum courtroom July 29 she is resigning from a UN job that grants her immunity so she can challenge the law on women's public dress code. "This is a case about annulling the article that addresses women's dress code, under the title of indecent acts. This is my battle. This article is against the constitution and even against Islamic law itself," said Hussein. Of the 13 women including Hussein arrested July 3 in a raid by members of the public order police force all but three of the women were flogged at a police station two days later. Hussein's defense lawyer, Nabil Adeeb, said the UN wanted to protect its staff, but Hussein, who works in the media department of the UN Mission in Sudan and contributes opinion pieces to a left-leaning Khartoum newspaper, wanted her trial to proceed."

We take a lot of things for granted here in the US of A, and I think this is a good reminder of how easy we have it. Wish I could expand more but I left a pair of pants burning in the other room and I have to make sure the carpet doesn't catch fire too...

Green Day - Verizon Center - 7/29/09

As seen on Deaf Left

Green Day rolled their traveling pyro-infused tour through Washington D.C. last night and shook the Verizon Center. From reports on previous shows on this tour, one might say the set-list last night was rather "vanilla." However, longtime fans can still appreciate such gems as "2000 Light Years Away," and solo, acoustic versions of "Macy's Day Parade," and "Christie Road" from front man Billie Joe Armstrong.

In the title track of the album Green Day is pimping, "21st Century Breakdown," Armstrong chants, "We are the class of, the class of 13," a sentiment visited last in the American Eulogy suite. What does it mean? Maybe it summoned literal 13-year-olds. With a quick glance at the crowd you could clearly see the multi-generaltional split. 13-year-olds and people walking around with that peppered hair thing (their parents). But was is kid bringing parent or parent bringing kid?

HOWEVER, if I had to use one adjetive to describe the crowd it would most definitley have to be "weak-sauce." Surprised, upset and semi-ashamed was how I felt. I mean, I don't enjoy the company of other people's elbows in and around my ribs but c'mon! Maybe D.C. was punished with the set-list for the lack energy. It definitley wasn't the band not leading the charge. At the high points of the fury, Bille Joe and co. could have led everyone into the streets and started a riot. (Maybe not though, with the all the kids who don't want to jump up and down... You know I'm always down for lighting some shit on fire!)

One thing that never gets old with a Green Day concert is when Billie Joe pulls people up to sing and play instruments during different songs. It's especially awesome when they nail it too. I was excited for that hot mess who played guitar for almost all of "Jesus of Suburbia." And Billie Joe is clearly a showman but he wants these kids to stand out on the catwalk and have their rockstar moment.

Always a solid performance from Green Day and their traveling posse, I wish I could say the same for the crowd.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


At sporting events, fans are encouraged to wear the "gear" of the teams playing.

At concerts, fans shouldn't wear the "gear" of the band they are seeing.

So if you go on vacation to let's say, Washington D.C., is it a faux pas to wear a t-shirt that says "Washington D.C.?"

Friday, July 24, 2009

A Tragic Loss

I received the sad and tragic news that the former Taco Bell spokes-canine dropped dead from a stroke at age 15 via an urgent text message from Gunjan.

She doesn't even know (until now) that as a kid I had the "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" t-shirt which prominently featured said Chihuahua. I was a fan.

Let's just pause for a moment and ponder why might a fast-food Mexican chain use a tiny Chihuahua to bolster their image? (I don't have the answer - I just want you to quietly reflect on this instead of doing any actual work...)

So for one last time, we'll miss you little guy...

Sunday, July 19, 2009


Snapple, which I don't drink, has used the slogan "Made From The Best Stuff On Earth" for as long as I can remember. Now, they claim that they've found "better stuff."

So are they admitting that they've been lying to you, the consumer, for a very long time?!

Who will punish Snapple for their false claims?
(I bet the Dos Equis World's Most Interesting Man could handle this...)

Corporate greed I say!

6 Months!

Crazy. Today marks the end of my official relationship with Clear Channel Communications as it has been 6 months since they let me go. Those suckers have been paying me for the past 6 months!

If I had to rank it, I'd say that the last 6 months have been the best 6 months of my life. Everything I've done I can chalk up to life experience. I did the podcast, I went to Colorado, Arizona, Florida and NJ/NYC a few times. I started riding pedicab too which has been crazy fun and something completley different. In addition to the ridculous amounts of money I've been able to make on the cab, I've lost 30 pounds. It feels great!

If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been able to do any of the above and the coolest thing that would have happened to me would have been meeting Joe Perry from Aerosmith and I would have had to go into the station on a weekend...lame.

So am I bitter and upset at Clear Channel. Hell no. I remember when Ballard and I were sitting in the studio and we were reading somewhere online about the severance packages that were going to be given. I forget where this was posted but when I saw 6 months full pay, I raised my hand as if to say, "oooo pick me, pick me." They picked me alright, and sure I was upset, who wouldn't be? But as I think I've made it clear that it's been a blessing on my soul and body.

I hope I'll get to do a few more awesome things before I snag another full-time gig... I'm open to suggestions and we'll see what happens. I'm so not worried that maybe I should be worried about not being worried. Now I'm just confused...

So I've applied to some jobs which sound exciting and as Homer Simpson once said, "And now we play the waiting game." About 15 seconds later he added, "Oh the waiting game sucks, let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!!!"

Friday, July 17, 2009

Freaks & Geeks

So I may be 9 or 10 years behind on this one, but there are kids out there every day who are just hearing "The Colour and the Shape" for the first time, so I don't feel bad. Also, this show was really good!

I'm not upset it was canceled mainly because I wasn't watching it when it was on, so I wasn't emotionally invested. Also, I was still in high school and I think I can appreciate much more of it now compared to back then.

Let's talk future super-stars. James Franco, Seth Rogan, Jason Segel, Linda Cardellini (ER), Martin Star (Party Down, Walk Hard, Adventureland, Knocked Up) and of course this show was created in part by Judd Apatow. If this series hadn't been cancelled, who knows what we could have missed out on?

I'm so pumped for Funny People.

So it's set in suburban Detorit and its literally about 2 groups of kids who are freaks or burnouts and geeks. I don't think that my high school experience was similar to anyone in the show. My lows weren't that low and my highs weren't that high. I'm ok with it.

Maybe it's just me, but when you do a show about high school or youth in general, there is only so many issues and topics one can write about. On multiple occasions I'd be watching an episode and think, hey i've seen this before somewhere else. Who did it first, I don't know, but I'll never write about generic high school experiences ever.
  • There's an episode where Bill (geek) is horrified that his mom is dating his gym teacher - see the movie Mr. Woodcock
  • There's an episode about a makeout party - see any tv show ever, but Boy Meets World comes to mind
  • There's an episode about Lindsay (freak) taking her parents car without permission with her friends and crasshing it - see Saved By The Bell
The list could go on, but you know...

One last thing. Freaks & Geeks won an Emmy for Outstanding Casting. I couldn't agree more! I think the best casting job they did was Martin Starr to play the geek Bill Haverchuck. Now maybe that's because I liked him the best or because it's true. The one thing I didn't totally love was Seth Rogan. Weird, right? They made his character very unlikable, especially at the beginning, but even in the last few episodes I began to like him more.

I guess it doesn't really matter because they're all famous and shit and making out with Sean Penn.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Pedicabs Are Horrible Death Traps

The above statement would be true if the media was correct. However, they tend to sensationalize almost anything they can get their paws on. "Is cherry flavored dental floss slowly killing your children?! Find out tonight at 11!!!!"

Well, recently Bruce Johnson and channel 9 came down to the mall to do a story on Pedicabs, which we all knew was going to make us look bad. Using common sense, one could infer that since one woman fell off a pedicab over 3,000 miles away and died, these contraptions should be more closely governed and watched here in DC.

Let me tell it to you straight. Regular taxis are 3,000 times more times dangerous than pedicabs - FACT. Pedicabs are not taxis - FACT. Bruce Johnson is no Jim Vance - FACT.

While there may not be exact r&r's for pedicabs in DC, we are more likely to follow traffic laws than other vehicles and almost all pedestrians.

If pedicabs are so dangerous then why did he ride one? I'm also in this clip so you should watch. And now as a world famous pedicab driver, all comments will first be read by my management team and forwarded to me if they believe it is worthwhile...

Harry Potter Lives Again

Even though I'm about to say what I thought of the new HP movie "The Half-Blood Prince" I just want to say that allowing Harry Potter to survive not only makes J.K. Rowling look weak, it just plain sucks.

I'm already talking about Harry Potter so it can't get much nerdier than that, but then it does...
I went last night at midnight to see the new flick. One of the previews was for the new Twilight movie and people applauded, screamed, cried, whatever. I'd like to make a motion to declare Twilight "way worse" than HP.

Finally, the movie - Clearly the biggest challenge to writing the script for these movies is to condense the book into several hours. "The Half-Blood Prince" clocks in at 2hours 33minutes, which is considered a kick-ass time for a marathon. So while some people are out there taking on life, just know you'll have accomplished nothing during the viewing of this movie. Back to the point being, I think they've been doing a solid job at packing in the story line into each movie. Obviously some things need to omitted and the dialogue has to be changed just make some things more clear and movie the plot. The last book is going to be split into 2 movies which i expect to be approximately 5 hours each...

Alan Rickman continues to impress me in his role as Professor Snape. He's a fairly unlikable dude in most other movies, which is maybe why this plays so great for him.

Even though I was tired I enjoyed the movie but towards the end I was ready to go. If I had seen it mid-day, it might have been easier to watch. I'm told that during a midnight screening of the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie I fell asleep. If that's any sort of barometer, this movie is solid.

Lots of hooking up or "snogging" in this movie too! Daniel Radcliffe has already done some frontal nudity on stage in England, so maybe the next 2 could pick up an R or NC-17 rating?!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Transformers 2, Bruno, Year One (In That Order)

I've seen a few movies in the past couple weeks. I will now tell you what I thought in order of awesome movie to not awesome movie.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
My first instinct is to compare this to the National Treasure series. It is weird, I know. I say that because I personally liked those movies, but the second was pretty much a replica of the first but was still good. So with the Transformers series, bump it up from good to awesome.

We got to the theater late and had to sit front row, but it wasn't so bad actually and I HATE sitting in the front row. I walked out of the theater sweating - Fact. I doubt that it had to with the movie, but it still feels like a fairly strong endorsement.

I laughed, I felt like crying, I vomited in my mouth. What can I say? Bruno was not as good as Borat in my opinion for several reasons. The storyline in Borat, a supposed "documentary," was much more cohesive and thought out. In Bruno, it seemed like just a collection of scenes in which Sascha Baron Cohen tried to be as ridiculous as possible. Cringe-worthy in some instances is an acceptable description. I wouldn't watch it again with the same interest level as I can watch Borat 100 times and it's hysterical. Good effort, definitley worth seeing.

Year One
Holy crap I was disappointed! It just wasn't funny. The end.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

i enjoy bits & pieces but have definitley visited less since I haven't been working full-time.


saw this in NYC on the west side.


I gave my friend KTB's parents a lift on the pedicab after the Nationals game on the 4th.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I Will Never Be A Bum

Bum life has always intrigued me. No one gives those guys crap for wearing the same clothes on consecutive days and rent is always really cheap with a great view of the stars.

But over the last couple of weeks, I've been spending my time the way I originally thought my unemployed severance collecting days were going to be spent: doing nothing.

Two weeks ago, it rained constantly down here in DC (similar to the way New Yorkers are crying right now) and I didn't go into town to ride the pedicab. I worked for a few days, and then I went to the old dermatologists office on Tuesday. He removed something from the bottom of my foot with liquid nitrogen. If you have never experienced the joy of having liquid nitrogen sprayed against your flesh, I highly recommend you avoid at all costs.

After you're sprayed with said liquid nitrogen, it hurts and then eventually creates a blister. A massive, fucking painful blister, especially if it's in the middle of the bottom of your foot. The only way to describe what it looked like at its worst is a bloody blueberry stuck to my foot.

So I went down to the pedicab shop to hopefully work the Nationals/Red Sox game on Tuesday but after taking 3 or 4 pedals I realized it hurt too bad. It is now Friday and I know I won't even be able to work tomorrow. I'm especially upset because we knew that the 3 games the Red Sox were in town were going to be huge. Big Money.

Turns out, the Sox helped set a new attendance record THREE FUCKING NIGHTS IN A ROW -
41,517, 41,530 and 41,985. Holy crap I'm not happy.

But back to the original point, I've been at home watching movies, soccer and playing video games and I'm bored as shit! I'll always have want and urge to work to avoid this kind of boredom...

The dermatologist assured me that I'd be able to bike that night. I'm going to punch him in his stupid face the next time I see him.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Hangover

I just walked in the door from seeing "The Hangover." Simply put... HOLY SHIT, THE HANGOVER IS SERIOUSLY THE FUNNIEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. PERIOD.
No, for real, think of the funniest movie you've ever seen. Chances are I've seen it, and The Hangover is funnier. To grade this movie as an A+ would be an insult.

I'm at a loss of words, I have nothing else to say on this matter, as my views have clearly been established. Go see this movie. Need company? I'd go again.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


TNT changed their daytime schedule. I'm not sure I'm too happy with this move.
I really like watching Las Vegas which was on from 11-1 everyday but is now Noon-2.

Life is hard... better just stick to the Spelling bee...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Green Day - 21st Century Break Down Review and Open Letter to The Band

As seen in an edited and censored version on Deaf Left

Preface: I am reviewing this album as a life-long Green Day fan, not a music reviewer. I will not draw comparisons to other bands of the classic rock era when describing what I think it is that they did with the new album. I will also not recall their history, if you want that, hit up Wikipedia.

21st Century Breakdown
If Green Day isn’t the most All-American rock band of their time, they are at least the most critical of this country. Seriously, what the hell? You’d think that after the George W. Bush administration left office, which “American Idiot” spoke directly to, that Billie Joe Armstrong might feel better or more optimistic about the future. If the lyrics in the album are any indication (almost 100% written by Armstrong) one might think that Armstrong still believes that we are all still fucked.

21st Century breakdown is indeed the 2nd rock opera for Green Day and a dark one at that. The album is broken down into 3 acts, and it’s very obvious that the songs in any given act almost represent a different sound for the band. Overall, I hear a ton of Green Day’s 2000 album, “Warning.” Let’s have a look at each act:

Act 1 – Heroes and Cons
Apparently, this is where we’re supposed to meet the two main characters of the opera. Gloria is the one with hope and goodness left in her while Christian is the demon who embraces the dark. Most of the songs in the first act are great and super-catchy. The best three songs from the act, 21st Century Breakdown, Viva la Gloria!, and Before the Lobotomy all start slow and down-tempo but mange to finish kicking ass, taking names and melting faces. It sounds a lot like the Foo Fighters live album, “Skin and Bones” where supposedly they played an acoustic show but every song ended up with the band going nuts… in a good way. ‘Know Your Enemy’ is a rare track in the sense that it rocks hard from start to finish but I think it will suffer the same fate that ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ did, which was being slaughtered by the radio. Even though it’s a solid song and catchy, I don’t think it will stand the test of time especially on repeat, especially on repeat. See what I mean?’Christian’s Inferno’ needs more ‘St. Jimmy’ in it while ‘Last Night On Earth’ feels like it doesn’t belong, being that it’s a straight up love song.

Act 2 – Charlatans and Saints
This act is by far the weak spot of the album. ‘East Jesus Nowhere’ is the gospel, preachy song of the album in the way it actually laments religious fanatics. It just a strange song. Armstrong will love this one on tour with his uber-favorite striking the Jesus pose. The second incarnation of ‘Viva la Gloria? (little girl)’ sounds reminiscent of ‘Misery’ off “Warning.” Is the sole purpose of these songs to move the story along? Besides ‘Murder City’ which is strong, the second act: weak-sauce. This isn’t the sound that made Green Day or what they want to be known for.
In the most recent Rolling Stone (RS1079) article about Green Day, and Rolling Stone writers are a bunch of apologists, Armstrong is quoted as saying “Ground zero for me is still punk rock. I get something uplifting out of painting an ugly picture. It’s just my DNA.” Well the second act is most definitely an ugly picture but never comes close to punk rock.

Act 3 – Horseshoes and Handgrenades
Wait, Green Day finally showed up to make the last 5 songs of the album the best five songs. ‘American Eulogy’ is the closest thing to the 9 minute plus epics off “American Idiot” and is pretty awesome. The first part to that song, ‘Mass Hysteria’ stinks of ‘Dead Beat Holiday’ off “Warning” but that song along with ‘Horseshoes and Handgrenades,’ ‘The Static Age,’ and ’21 Guns’ is what it’s all about. The final track ‘See the Light’ is by far the most positive song on the entire album.

Has life gotten so rough in the last 18 years that being positive is hard to do? Green Day is arguably the biggest band in the world and the dudes all lead fairly non-outrageous lives outside of their rock stardom. Things are going great for them, the next step should be to lighten up and rock out.

Even though major comparisons were drawn to the album “Warning” this album does have a unique sound carried throughout the album. The three tracks that possess that sound unique to this album are ‘21st Century Breakdown,’ ‘ Murder City,’ and ‘The Static Age.’
In closing, this album is huge, heavily produced and has that big opera/circus feel to it which they were going for with Butch Vig as the producer. It may be the next step for their careers but I think many real Green Day fans over the age of 21 are shaking their heads thinking, “Dude, What The Fuck?” but will like this album.


An Open Letter to Green Day in bullet point form:

Dear Green Day,

• What up? How are you? I’m good, I think the new album is really good.

• Why don’t you make Jason White a real member of the band? We don’t mind. He basically plays all the guitar solos on every song written after “Dookie” when you play it live. He’s a cool dude.

• What’s the deal with the eyeliner?

• We don’t mind if you want to wear jeans and t-shirts when you play.

• Sure Franz Ferdinand and The Kaiser Cheifs are good bands, but what about helping better up and coming bands?

• Please stop making music that my Mom wants to listen to.

• And finally, please please please up the punx. You must.

• With all this said, see you in D.C., I’ll be there. If anyone in the Green Day camp sees this – holler at me.

A Green Day Fan for life,
Brian Graber – graber29 [at]

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Another Chapter In The "Almost Pissed Myself" Book

My Dad needed me to drive him to a funeral today because he wasn't able to drive. No problem. So I drive us out to Columbia Heights, Maryland, the whole time just shooting the shit. When we get there I see that the church we will be attending the funeral in is a 'full gospel baptist church.' Thanks for the heads up Dad.

The movies totally got it right. Picture what the movies portray a baptist church as, and that's where we were. We were maybe 2 of 5 white people in there. It's not that being the only white people in there was an issue, it was the Jesus stuff mainly. This was the kind of place where people just shout out what they're feeling while others are talking/praying/singing, with the generic "amen!," "praise jesus!," and my personal favorite "that's right!"

I can actually understand now why some people are really into it... it's fun, or at least appears like it would be fun if it wasn't a funeral. But as far as a funeral is concerned, it was the most upbeat funeral I've ever seen minus BIGGIE'S. I've gone on record saying how I think instruments in a synagogue is appalling, but in a Baptist Church, why not?!

About 35-40 minutes into the hour and a half festivities my bladder gets rocked like a fat kid in a game of dodgeball - I have to pee. Correction. I have to pee, now. But I'm in the middle of the row in a place I feel awkward being in the first place, so the last thing I want to do is disrupt anyone or the service itself.

This was the kind of pee that causes dry sweats and that stomach clench. I wanted to die pee. At one point I dropped the schedule of the service and I just left it on the floor because bending over to pick it up just seemed like a sure way to empty my bladder on the floor. It was so bad that after semi-mocking, (only in my head and with silent glances at my Dad), Jesus for over an hour I was praying to Jesus Christs to not let me piss myself right there in a crowded church.

Someone we were sitting with finally stood up to leave an hour and a half after we sat down and I just shot right up and followed her out and made my way to the bathroom. Crisis averted.

If you just read this whole thing. I owe you.


My roomate just started a blog. What's it about? No idea. What I do know: he uses the word "scrupulous" in one of his posts. Again, no idea what it means, but definitley a funny word.
But check it out, he's a smart dude.


I was having a conversation with my buddy Chuck about DJ's quitting on the air and he found this AMAZING gem...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Vicks Gyps

Why does the DayQuil/NyQuil combo pack come with 24 DayQuil liquicaps and only 16 of NyQuil?
We all know that NyQuil is the good Stuff! What the hell Vicks?!

Saturday, May 9, 2009


Is it bad if I don't remember if I pre-ordered the new Green Day album? I feel like I did. I should probably check my credit card bills...

Also, I think a bird peed on me today, on 7th street under the L'Enfant Plaza train tracks. Could have been water.... I doubt it...

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What Makes A Man A Man?

Alexander Ovechkin is arguably the most important athlete in all of professional sports at this moment. So he scored a hat-trick in a play-off game and helped the Washington Capitals win their second straight South East division championship. Sure he signed a 13-year, $124 Million contract, drive fancy cars and basically do anything he wants...

But I can grow a real beard.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Static Radio Cover Green Day

On the heels of what some people call "an embarrassing" performance of New Found Glory covering Green Day at the Hoodwink Festival the day before Bamboozle, (Big) Mike from Static Radio shows us how it's done.

(Big) Mike covers "The Ballad of Wilhelm Fink" by Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day:

Static Radio is going out on a June Tour of North America.
I hear rumblings of a Static Radio covering Green Day show... more details as I hear them, and believe me when I say that it will be done right.

Friday, May 1, 2009

I Murdered The Radio Star

This Sunday (May 3) I will make my glorious and short-lived return to the real air-waves of Piscataway, NJ from 3-4PM.

It is alumni day at 90.3 The Core, my college station and I'm headed to NJ.

You can listen to me if you'd like at

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Day 100 - The State of Brian Graber

The State of the Union Brian Graber
PART 1: Press Play or Download Here - (6:22)

PART 2: Press Play or Download Here - (5:30)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Soundtrack to The 1st 100 Days (Out Of Office) Podcast

The moment very few of you have waited for! Clearly I only used the beginning to many of these songs and definitley infringed on copyright laws...

Day 25. Cheap Trick – In The Streets
Day 26. Against Me! – New Wave
Day 27. Joey Ramone – Wonderful World
Day 28. The Animaniacs – Presidents Of The USA
Day 29. The Bouncing Souls – Better Things
Day 30. Blink-182 – Dumpweed
Day 31. Scream! Hello – Second To The Right
Day 32. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – Desperado
Day 34. The Strokes – 12:51
Day 35. Less Than Jake – Gainesville Rock City
Day 36. Green Day – All The Time
Day 37. Letters To Cleo – I Want You To Want Me
Day 42. The Bouncing Souls – Manthem
Day 43. Run DMC/Aerosmith – Walk This Way
Day 44. The Nightwatchman – Whatever It Takes
Day 45. Jay-Z – Hard Knock Life
Day 46. The Darkness – I Believe in a Thing Called Love
Day 48. Some Jew on Speed???? - Techno Remix of Hava Negliah
Day 49. The Gorillaz – Clint Eastwood
Day 50. Rancid – Fall Back Down
Day 52. The Foo Fighters – My Hero
Day 54. Flogging Molly – Drunken Lullabies
Day 55. Quiet Riot – Cum On Feel The Noize
Day 56. Green Day – Sassafras Roots
Day 57. Sum 41 – Motivation
Day 59. Reel Big Fish – Everything Sucks
Day 60. The White Stripes – You Don’t Know What Love Is
Day 61. Let Me Run – Shane
Day 63. New Found Glory – Hit or Miss
Day 64. Andrew W.K. – Ready To Die
Day 65. Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears – Bitch, I Love You
Day 69. The Offspring – The Kids Aren’t Alright
Day 70. Relient K – High of 75
Day 71. Amy Winehouse feat. Ghostface Killah – You Know I’m No Good
Day 72. Cheap Girls – I Should Never
Day 74. Postal Service – Nothing Better
Day 77. Lit – My Own Worst Enemy
Day 78. Dropkick Murphys – Cadence To Arms
Day 80. Take Me Out To The Ballgame
Day 81. Against Me! – Up The Cuts
Day 82. AC/DC – Back In Black
Day 84. Head Automatica – Brooklyn Is Burning
Day 85. The Hold Steady – Sequestered In Memphis
Day 86. Team America: World Police – America, Fuck Yeah
Day 88/89. Yellowcard – Back Home
Day 92. Weezer – Only In Dreams
Day 93. Rise Against – Injection
Day 95. Green Day – Jack Ass
Day 97. Reel Big Fish – I Want Your Girlfriend To Be My Girlfriend
Day 98. Green Day – Espionage
Day 99. Flogging Molly – Screaming at the Wailing Wall